I say TODAY has been impossibly difficult but today is no longer as time has ticked on & it’s no longer Christmas. It is actually boxing day as I type this. I wanted to post this earlier but due to “forced” Christmas Festivities, the day ran away with me. So I will write this now as if it is still Christmas Day.

Today has been IMPOSSIBLY hard. Although I must admit not really harder than any other day. I miss you so terribly much G!!! Everything in my being was praying, hoping, manifesting contact from you today; but alas NONE! I’d like to think I know exactly why and it’s actually not true rejection.

My LOVE G, Christmas is supposed to be special. Depending how you are raised it is either religious or not but either way it’s intended to be surrounded by loved ones. You are my loved one… I should have been surrounded by you! Baby… I don’t care for all the presents under the Christmas tree cause ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU!

I could type out all the words to this song whether Michael Buble or Mariah Carey version, it makes no difference. My heart is so empty without you my Angel. I know you feel the same way. I do know you are managing to distract yourself with family for the meanwhile and that hurts so damn much. No matter who I surround myself with, I cannot distract myself, you are on my mind and in my heart 24/7!

I’ve pictured waking you up early Christmas morning for our first Christmas together. Wake you with coffee and presents and being most thankful for you! I imagine spending the day with family and having special meal and just relaxing all day surrounded by love & laughter. And I picture after everyone has left, making love next to the Christmas tree, only the tree lights on and the lights glistening in your eyes. Truly a special holiday as it should be with you!

Baby, how can you accept 2nd best when you and I are best together? How can you deny us these special moments together. I hear your soul calling me still. I feel your heart in peaces and longing for me, longing for love, longing for what you tasted. I feel it, I know it is still there, I know if it real.

So baby I ask you to be strong, be bold, find the courage and strength to go after what we both need… A FUTURE TOGETHER. So my Christmas wish to Santa till stands…. ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU!

Do yourself a favour and look up this song on YouTube!!! I woke up 2 days ago with this song going over and over in my head. Such a emotion invoking song, clearly I have YOU, GSK, Heavy on my Heart! I love you my angel, now & forevermore! These words are for you!

Heavy on My Heart Anastacia

I try to fly away but it’s impossible 
And every breath I take gives birth to deeper sighs 
And for a moment I am weak 
So it’s hard for me to speak 
Even though we’re underneath the same blue sky

If I could paint a picture of this melody 
It would be a violin without its strings 
And the canvas in my mind 
Sings the songs I left behind 
Like pretty flowers and a sunset

It’s heavy on my heart 
I can’t make it alone 
Heavy on my heart 
I can’t find my way home 
Heavy on my heart 
So come and free me 
It’s so heavy on my heart

I’ve had my share of pleasure 
And I’ve tasted pain 
I never thought that I would touch an angel’s wings 
There’s a journey in my eyes 
It’s getting hard for me to hide 
Like the ocean at the sunrise

It’s heavy on my heart 
I can’t make it alone 
Heavy on my heart 
I can’t find my way home 
Heavy on my heart 
So come and free me 
It’s so heavy on my heart

Love, can you find me in the darkness, and love, 
Don’t let me down 
There’s a journey in my eyes 
It’s getting hard for my to hide 
And I never thought I’d touch an angel’s wings

Whoo

It’s heavy on my heart 
I can’t make it alone 
Heavy on my heart 
I can’t find my way home 
Heavy on my heart 
So come and free me 
It’s so heavy on my heart

It’s heavy on my heart 
I can’t make it alone 
Heavy on my heart 
I can’t find my way home 
Heavy on my heart 
So come and free me 
It’s so heavy on my heart

Songwriters: Billy Mann / Anastacia Newkirk

Heavy on My Heart lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, BMG Rights Management

You changed my life forever.  You changed my life’s path.  16 October 2017 is a day my destiny started falling into place.  Little did I know it.  

I met you the day I started working at my new job.  We were introduced.  You immediately captivated my attention and made my heart skip a beat.  For 3 months I watched you from afar as our path didn’t cross.  I saw you go in & out the front door and I always was so drawn to you.  I had heart a few colleagues around the office make a few comments – 1.  They commented how you liked drinking weak coffee.  They could not understand it.  Haha.  That was brilliant because you drink your coffee the same way I do.  2.  You liked your women very different to your coffee.  They referred to your wife being of such strong feisty character.  3.  That you loved biscuits and would always sniff out the cake / eats around the office.  4.  That you went to gym during some lunch times and you had a towel incident and you were given a bright canary yellow towel at the final Safety Meeting in December 2017.  The universe kept you in my radar without me even trying to keep you there.  This was all info that came my way automatically.  You were being highlighted to me constantly. Clearly the universe was already working on it’s plan.

Clearly I needed those 3 months to make a decision on something big in my life.  The realisation (which I started realising months / year before met you) that my hubby and I grew in different directions and that I needed something different in my life.  That I needed something he could not give to me because he was not the right person.  It was not meant to be.

The minute I made that decision, that I truly realised that; the universe opened our path to each other.  We crossed paths again.  This time in the kitchen at work.  Our eyes met across the bench and I got lost in your soul.  That was it for me… I knew I had to get to know you better.  I knew I needed you.  I knew I wanted you.  I felt a connection, one that I could not explain.  An intense attraction that I could not shake off.  

I had to find a way to speak to you more often.  I could not wait for more chance meetings once in a blue moon in the kitchen.  I had to make it happen myself.  You captivated me.  Without knowing, you already held my heart in your hands.

There is the saying that people are in our lives for a reason or a season or a lifetime.  We all know how that goes.  And it is true.  This topic will lead into another blog soon as I explain why my Love, G, and I crossed paths  but for now I want to explain why we end up with a partner that we sometimes eventually separate from.

We are indoctrinated to the idea that we are supposed to marry for life. Until death do us part! What is behind this?  Who knows really.  Christian ideals?  But also look at it this way; life back in the old days was short.  People died at 40 sometimes younger.  Lives together were not long.  Some people died younger and people remarried.  Life was simpler.  Women depended on men.  Thing were different. Life is a whole new ballgame now.  We live longer, we have new goals, we are more independent.  We are influenced by all sorts of things and with pressures of life we change over time.  Needs are not the same as back in the old days.  Couples grow individually sometimes on different paths.  We drive each other insane after many years with each other.  We grow tired of the same shit day in day out.  Often we marry and have kids because life expects it.  We don’t soul search early in life to see what our souls truly desire.  So we fall into worldy patterns and routines.  With our advancement as humans, we have grown, become more spiritual.  And one-day we wake up & realize… this life as it has been is not what we want.  Many then often go on long soul searches and re-evaluate their lives and make the necessary changes.  Many put it down to MID – LIFE crisis and never make a change for the better. 

We all have certain personalities we can connect with and try make a life with, we all have soul mates that we may find and marry for forge a meaningful partnership.  All these relationships are meaningful.  They may not all be intended for life, but they are intended to serve a purpose.  I believe in the soul having many lives, so yes, I believe in reincarnation.  I believe that our soul is incarnated in a life and that we have many life lessons to learn before we become pure enough to ascend to whatever our “heaven” may be.  When we have mastered all our lessons, we stop incarnating.  But until that, we live life after life after life incarnating into different people and learning lessons.  If we are stubborn and do not learn our needed lesson in a life, we will keep coming back into a similar life role and we will repeat the cycle until the lesson is learnt.  

The people placed on our paths are intended and carefully selected so for the purpose of learning life’s lessons or being support for us during those lessons.  When our lesson is learnt, those people move on.  Or when their purpose is served, it is our requirement to move on.  That is why I firmly believe that many of us end up moving on from a spouse.  Our purpose with them has been served. We need to start looking at it in a positive light instead of a judgemental light of failure and disgrace.

This is actually a long topic for discussion that can be done so in depth but I am trying to just summarize why I feel we cross paths with people for a reason.  But furthermore, my point is, if the time has come that someone no longer serves a purpose in your life or makes you happy, it is time to move on.  If  you are not happy they are not happy either, just stop being indoctrinated to the old ways, stop sacrificing your soul because you are expected to behave a certain way.  Have the courage to be true to your soul’s purpose, your souls path… have the courage to do what is needed, move on & find your path.  The path to your growth and peace.

Your soul growth and happiness at the end of the day is what leads to that pureness and ultimate ascension that we are intended to achieve.  So no matter how hard things are, be strong, have courage and change your pattern of old thinking.  Rewire your brain to realise, you can, you should and you owe it to your soul’s purpose.  Do what need to be done and realise that footprints on our hearts can be a blessed good thing and not always a bad thing.  Thank the person for their role in your life and move towards your bliss.   Stop feeling guilty.   Find the lesson. Grow!!!

I have had many happy moments in my life but equally unhappy ones; if not weighting more to the unhappy side.  I have experienced so much unhappiness from keeping others happy.  It’s just something I did.   Guess it was the way I was raised.  The way I was guilted into things.  I can search for many reasons why but it boils down to I never valued myself enough to stand up for myself.  And yes it boils down to what you are taught by parents or partners or years of confidence being broken down by people.  It took years of soul searching to realise this.  Why should I sacrifice my happiness for others when others never consider my happiness?  This is the age old question that many people face.  

Wanting to be happy and putting your true heart felt happiness first is NOT selfish.  Every person is responsible for their own happiness.  Being an example of this to others is a great thing you can teach others.  Be strong and help show everyone.  You do not have to break people in the process to finding your happiness but show them that you value yourself.  In turn you will be teaching others to value themselves.  If the selfish people are upset by your decision, you will be teaching them good lessons too.  Teaching them that they cannot manipulate people to get happiness.  That they need to find happiness within themselves.  They too will need to travel their own path to finding happiness.  And travelling that path will come with valuable needed lessons.  But sacrificing your own happiness for others, you are denying other the lessons they are required to learn in this life.

I’ve had to write off family members and friends who just didn’t fit in with my vibration.  It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but my whole life changed immensely when I did.  Best thing I ever did.  

Big life changes made me realise I was not happy with a lot in my life.  And no… not a mid life crisis at all.  Just realising what made me happy & what didn’t.  I took stock of it all & realised I will never feel fully fulfilled unless I did the hard work to make changes & go out & find my happiness. 

I am only 41 years old now… and I have a good 40 years left (I hope).  Now that I am truly awakened to that I am not 100% happy, I will be miserable if I just plod along and not change things.  So I choose to take the difficult steps to the happiest 40 years ahead of my life that is waiting.  And fighting for THE ONE I love, THE ONE I found on this path, THE ONE I’VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR MY WHOLE LIFE, fighting for him, is what I will do with all my heart.  I’m not giving up.  

So this now goes out to you my love, G, remember our conversation about having a good 40 years left?  We spoke of it many times.  That we owe it to ourselves to be happy. That we WANT TO BE HAPPY.  So my love, find the strength deep within you to do it.  Make that change.  It will be hard… nothing worth fighting for is ever easy.  BUT my love… I PROMISE you… it WILL be worth it.   You owe yourself love and happiness that you deserve.  You know I can give you that love and happiness or should I rather say, I can share that love and happiness with you.  So many people will not even think of you… so why sacrifice yourself.  Why sacrifice me ? Me, the one you love.  You should be protecting me, not sacrificing me.   Trust me when I say…sacrificing your happiness for others is not worth it my angel.  Choose LOVE, choose HAPPINESS, choose US!  I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

I feel as if my life has fallen apart in 2018.  And some days it is still so impossibly hard to have faith that it’s not falling part but falling into place.  There is a special someone I kept telling… “Have faith, it will all work out.  The universe has a plan.  Just believe!”  I kept saying that to him.  And I still believe it is true even though things have become harder and more painful.  But I still believe.  I don’t just believe.  I KNOW!  

Remember my darling, when I said… (Long Bay Regional Park 18 August 2018) “why would we be put through all this?  Surely not for nothing?”  Well, baby, I’m still telling you… it’s not for nothing.  It will still work out.  Believe and grow in your strength.  Our angels are helping us.  We just don’t see it yet.  But if you just open yourself to it, ask them for help, you will feel them, you will feel the change.  We are on the verge.  It’s up to you now.  Ask for help & the Angels WILL step in & create a way.  

To be honest…because a friend suggested the name!  LOL.  Seriously, I loved it.  I wanted to name my blog something to do with a butterfly and my darling friend, Joanne suggested “The Purple Papillon”.  

The reason I wanted something relating to a butterfly is dual. Butterflies are symbolic of transformation and I am going through major transformation in 2018.  But also, I recently asked the universe for a specific sign as a confirmation and because Butterflies are linked deeply with the person I need a sign for, I chose butterflies.  I specifically love MONARCH butterflies but Purple serves another purpose…

Purple because of the 7th Chakra, The Crown Chakra.  The crown chakra colour relates to self-knowledge and spiritual awareness.  I am working very hard at my higher consciousness, my higher self and spirituality.  I’ve denied my strong spiritual gifts for far too long and now is the time to accept them and grow.  To trust in my gifts and use them positively.  

I’m not a writer, not a blogger, not a person looking for fame or fortune or anything like that.  I am just simply me. I have always been a person in my head.  A person over-analyzing things.  I person battling to find my balance.  A person battling to find my value, my true happiness and true place in this world.  I have gone through many, many years of soul-searching and still am on that hilly, windy road.  And so, after many trials and tribulations throughout my life; 2018 being the most difficult year of my life, I reach out to blogging my thoughts and feelings and messages.  I hope that this will help me comprehend the last of the mysteries in my head and help people on their own journey.  May spirit help me reach those that need it. This also said with a very special someone in mind…

At times it can be challenging to be happy in life but happiness is a choice.  So amidst all this chaos, hurt, heartache, betrayal, personal attacks, deception and more, I still chose to be happy.  Some days are harder than others, BUT TODAY I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Over time … I will share my story.  I hope you enjoy the journey with me.

This is a platform to grow – not to judge.